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Author Topic:   Tech support rules
FeistyGirl
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 729
From: a padded cell somewhere
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03 April 2002 19:47     Click Here to See the Profile for FeistyGirl   Click Here to Email FeistyGirl        Reply w/Quote   
Tech support rules for users

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2.When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. Send urgent emails all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

5. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

6. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

7. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

8. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

9. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

10. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

11.When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

16. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

17. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

18. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

19. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

20. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

21. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

22. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a Professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

23. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

24. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?" That's another one that cracks us up to no end.

25. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

26. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.

27. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that crap by heart.

28. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with our Johnson in our hands.

29. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

30. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

31. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don't.

32. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

33. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers
portrayed herein, without which none of this would have been remotely possible.

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"We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful."

[This message has been edited by FeistyGirl (edited 03 April 2002).]

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Beaver
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 1682
From: I live in a dam, down by the river....
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 03 April 2002 20:58     Click Here to See the Profile for Beaver   Click Here to Email Beaver        Reply w/Quote   
I actually had that posted in my office at my last job, becuase you would not believe how many of those I had to deal with. Only replace the elevator one with no one offering to grab the door when you have 2 pcs in your arms.....

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Do you like my tu tu?

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Jolly_Reaper
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 384
From: The Netherlands
Registered: Feb 2002

posted 03 April 2002 23:23     Click Here to See the Profile for Jolly_Reaper   Click Here to Email Jolly_Reaper        Reply w/Quote   

Lmao!
At a place I worked before we had these printed out and taped on our door It didn't make any difference though, those ignorant users just didn't read it.

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The Lamborghini Countach LP400S: One car to rule them all!
Due to the fact that certain people are wearing pink tutu's nowadays I felt left behind...
...until now!

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Chineseman
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 357
From: The Philippines
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 04 April 2002 02:11     Click Here to See the Profile for Chineseman   Click Here to Email Chineseman        Reply w/Quote   
You're so funny Feisty... in bed!

Meow.

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A man whose heart is not content is like a snake which tries to swallow an elephant.

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Jolly_Reaper
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 384
From: The Netherlands
Registered: Feb 2002

posted 04 April 2002 03:20     Click Here to See the Profile for Jolly_Reaper   Click Here to Email Jolly_Reaper        Reply w/Quote   
quote:
Originally posted by Chineseman:
You're so funny Feisty... in bed!

[b]Meow.


[/B]


Err... Am I missing something here? Or is Chineseman getting a little bit overexcited with something?

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The Lamborghini Countach LP400S: One car to rule them all!
Due to the fact that certain people are wearing pink tutu's nowadays I felt left behind...
...until now!

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FeistyGirl
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 729
From: a padded cell somewhere
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 04 April 2002 08:14     Click Here to See the Profile for FeistyGirl   Click Here to Email FeistyGirl        Reply w/Quote   
Nah... he's just trying to tell me my fortune.

Meow back at ya!

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"We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful."

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Clueboy
WarLord

Posts: 242
From: Somewhere over the rainbow.
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 04 April 2002 10:03     Click Here to See the Profile for Clueboy   Click Here to Email Clueboy        Reply w/Quote   
I bet he's gonna get excited now!

A couple that I love to deal with all the time:

I'm a programmer, but please feel free to come to me when your monitor flickers. All us "tech" guys have keys to the hardware closet.

The next time your computer appears to freeze, please follow these steps:
1) Never ever reboot!
2) Assume it's only the mouse that froze and unplug it.
3) Give the plug a slight twist and jam it back in as hard as you can. Or, if you have the "flat plug thingie" version, turn it over and jam it in as hard as you can.
4) If that doesn't work, repeat the proceedure for the keyboard.
5) If it still doesn't work, but you know someone is going to use the PC after you, just leave it and don't tell anybody, they'll figure it out.

Trust me, it's a programmers favorite thing to do with their time to sit down and straighten out 5,000 miniscule pins for you!

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Got clue?

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Beaver
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 1682
From: I live in a dam, down by the river....
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 04 April 2002 10:26     Click Here to See the Profile for Beaver   Click Here to Email Beaver        Reply w/Quote   
LMAO!!!! Too funny...

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Do you like my tu tu?

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Chineseman
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 357
From: The Philippines
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 05 April 2002 20:18     Click Here to See the Profile for Chineseman   Click Here to Email Chineseman        Reply w/Quote   
Yeah, I seem to put in the words 'in bed' all the time, when it comes to Feisty. I got a little excited though.

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A man whose heart is not content is like a snake which tries to swallow an elephant.

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cRuLo
WarLord

Posts: 223
From:
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 05 April 2002 22:37     Click Here to See the Profile for cRuLo   Click Here to Email cRuLo        Reply w/Quote   
whenever you read your fortune from your cookie, add "in bed" to the end. they are more meaningful and fun that way.

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"When times seem dark, and your vision is dimmed, when there seems to be no where to go ... use a flashlight. :) " ..::cRuLo::..

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Vimes
Lord

Posts: 106
From: The Netherlands
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 07 April 2002 06:40     Click Here to See the Profile for Vimes   Click Here to Email Vimes        Reply w/Quote   Visit Vimes's Homepage!
ROTFLMAO...
And then some...
Very nice, got to print it and hand it over to some people

By the way, are you guys always this funny?

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For the last 20 years I've been trying to get a life... Maybe in the next 20 years I'll try harder...

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Beaver
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 1682
From: I live in a dam, down by the river....
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 07 April 2002 09:27     Click Here to See the Profile for Beaver   Click Here to Email Beaver        Reply w/Quote   
Actually none of here have a sense of humor especially myself....

------------------
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK. And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand the New York Times' effect on man.

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Vimes
Lord

Posts: 106
From: The Netherlands
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 07 April 2002 09:40     Click Here to See the Profile for Vimes   Click Here to Email Vimes        Reply w/Quote   Visit Vimes's Homepage!
Okay then... Glad we got that sorted out, what's for dinner?

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For the last 20 years I've been trying to get a life... Maybe in the next 20 years I'll try harder...

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Chineseman
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 357
From: The Philippines
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 09 April 2002 00:14     Click Here to See the Profile for Chineseman   Click Here to Email Chineseman        Reply w/Quote   
quote:
Originally posted by Beaver:
Actually none of here have a sense of humor especially myself....

I agree. We're just a bunch of nitwits with nothing else to do in life except make other people's lives miserable...

I need a life...

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It is difficult to win a friend in a year; it is easy to offend one in an hour.

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Beaver
Honorary Warlord

Posts: 1682
From: I live in a dam, down by the river....
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 09 April 2002 10:01     Click Here to See the Profile for Beaver   Click Here to Email Beaver        Reply w/Quote   
Hey, I here they are auctioning off lifes on ebay now....

------------------
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right. It's OK. And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand the New York Times' effect on man.

IP Logged

Renen666
Knight

Posts: 66
From: Sweden
Registered: Sep 2001

posted 09 April 2002 13:01     Click Here to See the Profile for Renen666   Click Here to Email Renen666        Reply w/Quote   
HAH!

I got a life, just too bad I had to steal it from a little kid...

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Vimes
Lord

Posts: 106
From: The Netherlands
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 09 April 2002 13:08     Click Here to See the Profile for Vimes   Click Here to Email Vimes        Reply w/Quote   Visit Vimes's Homepage!
Damn, and I don't own a credit card...
There goes my life

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For the last 20 years I've been trying to get a life... Maybe in the next 20 years I'll try harder...

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WARLOCH the Immortal
Serf

Posts: 12
From: OZ
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 09 April 2002 13:12     Click Here to See the Profile for WARLOCH the Immortal   Click Here to Email WARLOCH the Immortal        Reply w/Quote   
Stole it from a little kid? You monster!!! Wait, thats how I get all my candy on Halloween...please disregard this post!

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What?!?! I really am a GOD? I knew it!

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